Families with LGBTQ+ Parents: Transitions to Parenthood and Early Child Development

by Rachel H. Farr, PhD

As LGBTQ+ parenthood (via varied pathways) increases worldwide, parents and providers benefit from information about parenthood and early child development^1,2,3,4,5:

1. What can LGBTQ+ parents and their partners expect during the transition to parenthood?
2. How do young children (0-4 years) with LGBTQ+ parents develop?

Transition to LGBTQ+ Parenthood

Parenthood brings joy, stress, and unique dynamics for LGBTQ+ parents^1,6. Whereas m     any older LGBTQ+ parents had children within contexts of former cis-het identities and/or relationships; younger LGBTQ+ people often do so within contexts of LGBTQ+ identities and relationships^3,5,7. Each pathway to parenthood available to LGBTQ+ families (including adoption, foster care, reproductive sex, coparenting, assisted reproductive technologies [ART]) involves numerous emotionally-laden decisions as well as barriers from both stigma and cost. Individual preferences, differential access to reproductive pathways, and distinct reproductive capacities are some of these barriers, and obstacles to achieving parenthood are often linked with socioeconomic status and additional minoritized identities^{1,5,8,9,10,11}. For example, LGBTQ+ partners who have uteruses and ovaries and pursue donor insemination must decide who will carry, who will provide the egg, as well as who will be the sperm donor and what their role will be^4,8. Further complicating these decisions are reproductive health challenges, relationship dynamics, and practical constraints; for example, BIPOC donors are sparse.

Parenthood involves immense individual, partner relationship, and overall family change⁵. All parents of newborns and young children sleep less and have less time for their      partners^4,12. Relationship quality, intimacy, love, and satisfaction typically decline^1,13; conflict, stress, and ambivalence increase^4,5. New parents experience increased depression, anxiety, and stress^4,12. This is especially true for parents with babies in the NICU, a risk that is elevated with the use of ART¹⁴. Some changes involve parents’ jobs and careers¹⁵, including changes in paid employment or work hours, or in living arrangements regarding childcare and new parenting⁴.

Family Ties

Children bond with both parents in two-parent LGBTQ+ families. Lack of, or discrepancies in, biological relatedness between children and their parents, however, can create hurdles or invisibility⁴. Legal invisibility happens when only one parent can be a legal parent due to biological ties^1,16. Social invisibility occurs when biological relatedness connects to parents’ feelings of legitimacy, which can in turn fuel partner jealousy. Anxiety is common among LGBTQ+ partners without biological ties to children, or for whom these ties differ^4,8. These challenges relate to partner relationships but are not unique to LGBTQ+ parents.

Who Does What?

All families must decide how to divide family labor, and partners satisfied with divisions of labor enjoy greater relationship quality and well-being^4,19. Typically, gender norms impact heterosexual partners’ divisions; women do more housework and childcare, men work more in paid employment¹⁷. Early on, biologically related parents often perform more childcare^5,18. In contrast to heterosexual partners, LGBTQ+ partners frequently share family labor evenly⁵. Preferences and practical considerations, like hours in paid employment, are influential^5,18,19.

Discrimination and Stigma

Across the transition to parenthood (and beyond), LGBTQ+ parents experience discrimination and stigma from professionals, interpersonal interactions, institutional policies or practices, and state or federal laws^2,9,20. Stigma negatively impacts LGBTQ+ parent health^4,5. LGBTQ+ prospective parents report discrimination based on religious beliefs; unfair treatment may result from implicit bias (i.e., unconscious preferences)^4,5,21. LGBTQ+ parents worry about stigma from pediatricians, childcare providers, lawyers, religious institutions, family, and friends^{1,4,5,8,9,10,20,22}. Because “mothers” are viewed as natural or “default” parents, LGBTQ+ parents not perceived as “real” are particularly vulnerable to discrimination^1,20,23.

Social Support

Social network and family relationship changes are common during the parenthood transition, yet social support is important for all new parents^4,5. LGBTQ+ parents are often less close, on average, to families of origin than cis-het parents^5,24. Some LGBTQ+ adults become closer to families of origin after having a biologically related child⁴. Many LGBTQ+ parents want social support from other LGBTQ+ parents or those who have pursued similar pathways (e.g., other adoptive parents)²². Social support – from partners, chosen family (i.e., close relationships not based on biological ties), and community – is a strength for LGBTQ+ people that buffers negative health impacts across the parenthood transition^4,5.

How Young Children with LGBTQ+ Parents Develop

Children with LGBTQ+ parents experience healthy development^24,25. Research has focused on children’s early development—0-4 years—particularly in regard to attachment, parent-child relationship quality, gender development, cognitive development, and well-being^2,24. For instance, adopted children with gay fathers in the UK showed higher secure-autonomous attachment than those with heterosexual parents²⁶. Few differences in gender typicality to peers with cis-het parents exist, although some findings indicate greater flexibility in gendered play among toddlers and preschoolers with LGBTQ+ parents^5,24,27,28. Young children with LGBTQ+ parents show comparable or better adjustment to peers with cis-het parents. In the U.S., Goldberg and Smith found that externalizing and internalizing behaviors were similar among 2-year-olds adopted by lesbian, gay, and heterosexual parents.²⁹ My team and I found no differences by parental sexual orientation in behavioral adjustment among 3-year-olds adopted as infants³⁰. In Australia, children (median age: 4 years) with same-sex parents showed better general health and behavioral adjustment than population norms³¹. Same-sex parents were more likely to breast/chest feed and immunize children³¹. In a series of studies in Italy, 3- to 9-year-olds with lesbian and gay parents showed internalizing and externalizing problems like the typical population, and 3- to 11-year-olds with same-gender parents had fewer psychological problems than those with heterosexual parents^23,32. In another study, child well-being, emotional regulation, and peer relationships were indistinguishable by parental sexual orientation among toddlers with lesbian, gay, and heterosexual parents¹³. Similarly, in the UK, 3- to 9-year-olds with gay fathers had few behavior problems and showed no differences from those with lesbian mothers³³.

Family processes matter more to early child outcomes than family structure. We found that parenting stress, parenting approaches, and partner relationship quality among lesbian, gay, and heterosexual parents were associated with preschoolers’ behavioral adjustment; supportive co-parents had well-adjusted children, regardless of parental sexual orientation^17,30. Goldberg and Smith found that less relationship conflict among lesbian, gay, and heterosexual partners was associated with fewer internalizing problems among their 2-year-olds²⁹. Among parents, lower depression and more adoption preparation were associated with fewer internalizing and externalizing child behaviors²⁹.

Despite overall positive outcomes for children of LGBTQ+ parents, stigma and discrimination nevertheless impact LGBTQ+ parenting and child outcomes^2,20. In Crouch and team’s Australian study, experiencing stigma was linked with negative outcomes (e.g., less physical activity, poorer mental health, and family cohesion) among children of same sex parents³¹. Among Italian gay fathers with 3- to 10-year-old children, homophobic microaggressions were linked with lower parental sensitivity³³. More behavior problems among 3- to 9-year-olds were reported by LG parents in the UK and Italy who had experienced more stigma^23,34. In sum, early child development in LGBTQ+ parent families appear linked with parent adjustment, family relationships, and stigma experiences, rather than with parents’ sexual or gender identity.

Conclusion

Many LGBTQ+ people are or want to be parents^3,5,35. Knowledge about the transition to LGBTQ+ parenthood is key to cultivate strong families. Understanding contributors to positive child development will support LGBTQ+ parents to provide their young children the best foundation for a happy and healthy life.

Practice Pointers

• Understand different parenthood pathways and associated strengths/challenges.
• Encourage partners to discuss parenting and relationship expectations.
• Understand relevant laws and policies.
• Dismantle discrimination wherever possible; support LGBTQ+ families to cope.
• Consider intersectionality³⁶; account for multiple identities (racial, cultural, class, etc.).
• Encourage partners to develop affirming social support networks.
• Support self- and relationship-care activities to reduce stress.

Opportunity to Contribute to LGBTQ+ Family Research

If you or your family is interested in participating in strengths-based, queer-positive research, please consider our Queer Parent and Adolescent Lives (Q-PAL) project in the Families, Adoption, and Diversity (FAD) Lab at the University of Kentucky.

References

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²Patterson, C. J., Farr, R. H., & Goldberg, A. E. (2021, October). LGBTQ+ parents and their children. National Council on Family Relations: Policy Brief, 6(3), 1-8. https://www.ncfr.org/policy/research-and-policy-briefs/lgbtq-parents-and-their-children

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